Marriage licenses should not be awarded to anyone under the age of 28. I’m convinced of this. Unless they appeal and are granted special permission after undergoing strenuous counseling and observation. I think it’s even safe to say that women 28 and up are fine. Men, should have to wait until they are 30. Why am I taking such a definitive stance? Glad you asked. As a 27 year old divorce of 2 years I’m convinced that marriage before the age of 28 is irresponsible. Just look at the divorce rates of young adults in their 20s. Marriage slows down the pursuit of education which impedes professional development. Marriage provides a level of comfort that can result in babies being born before husbands and wives are ready to become exceptional parents. Think about it. I think marriage is wonderful, I just think that in light of a lot of stuff going on in the world this generation might want to consider postponing nuptiuals until they are knocking on 30.

Today I begin my graduate assistantship officially and already I can tell that this is going to be an interesting year. Four weeks ago I was battling with the decision to leave my full time job for full time school. Now, I’m wondering what took me so long to make up my mind. I’ve heard a number of sermons recently that have given me a sense of confirmation about my decision. One had to do with permissive will versus God’s divine will for my life. God can allow my to do good things, but just because my acts are helpful to others doesn’t mean that I’m in His will, doing what He has ordained for my life. I heard another message centered around faith and trusting God for my life’s direction. And today the speaker shared with us a number of powerful points including my favorite, “Good is the enemy of EXCELLENCE!” God has to prune good things from our lives to prepare us to produce abundant fruit rather than just good fruit. Think about that for a little while. Let it take root.

A friend IMed me today and asked me what degree program I was in. I told him and he asked me the question that seems almost automatic for so many now…”So what do you plan to do with that 10 years from now?” For the first time I had a very different answer. “I don’t know, whatever the good Lord has for me then.” And I meant it. Now, you have to understand that I haven’t always been that person. I’m a planner by nature, but when planning gets in the way of enjoying life, it’s time to put the plans down and get busy living. I reached that point before the age of 30. I’m learning to live in the moment I’m blessed in. Sure, I have long range goals still. I want to get married and have kids and have a career that I enjoy immensely. I want friends and exciting vacations to new places, a beautiful house, a loving church family and ministries of my own. But I know God’s got that all under control so there’s absolutely no reason for me to worry over it. What God has for me if for me in His time. There’s something so very peaceful about knowing that.

I went home this weekend, in more ways than one.

My life began in a medium sized southern coastal town that I still adore but can’t ever see myself moving back to. I spent the first 8 years of my life wrapped in the warmth of my overly loving and slightly cookie family. My father owned his own successful business and my mother worked in the public schools.

Life was good.

Then one day my parents sat me and my brother down at the kitchen table and explained that we were moving away from everything we’d ever known to a place called Iowa.

Life got complicated.

See, I had a comfortable circle of friends. While I wasn’t in love with my second grade school, I’d established my own presence so to speak. I was happy with where I was in my life. For a long time I thought I’d done something wrong and that was why my parents were punishing me, by taking me away from EVERYTHING I cared about. But as most things in the life of a child, I really had no say in the matter so I fell in line and helped with the packing of the UHAUL truck and rode into one of the most important journies of my life.

When I first saw exit 242 for Coralville, Iowa, I didn’t know what to think. All I saw was corn in the place of my beloved marshland, and the air was so dry it hurt to breathe. There was no trace of salt in the air and I couldn’t see my way to the ocean. When we pulled into 1409.Eastview.Drive I remember thinking, this house is huge. In fact, it was a 3 level duplex, by far the biggest house I’ve ever lived in. We settled all our bedrooms on the top floor with one bathroom that had the strangest locks and cranks I’d ever seen. My baby brother was in the room closet to the bathroom, my parent’s were next to him and I got the best room on the floor, the one that looked out to the street. That room held so much of my growing up years…but that’s a tale for another time.

The main floor held our livingroom and kitchen. The basement, our laundry room and storage. In the years to come my parents would move down to the basement with it’s 3/4 bathroom, extra bed room and converted den to office for our family business.

That was a good house.

I went back to that house this weekend and felt all the good memories flow back and wash much of the bitterness out of my soul. For years I’ve carried a lot of anger over what I thought were horrible things that happened to me in Iowa, but as an adult I can now see that my child’s mind perspective was somewhat warped.

I grew up in a small midwestern town where everyone knew me. A place where I could walk or ride my bike two miles to school without fear. Where I knew the joys of snow castles and icecream trucks. I grew up in a real neighborhood and went to good schools that prepared me to be the success I was in college and beyond. And I met a few people who have remained close to my heart though time and life have placed us in different locales.

From my house I went back to my schools, Northwest.Jr.High and Coralville.Central.Elementary. I drove by West.High, the school I never got to attend, and I felt at home. This place that I swore I’d never return to. This place that I harbored hatred in my heart for, for years…it called to me and welcomed my prodigal heart with open arms. I walked the U.of.I campus and remembered all the good times I spent with my parents who always made time to be active in my life and expose me to the wonders of the world, even when we didn’t have that much money cause mama was in school and working full time and daddy was working too. And I asked the Lord’s forgiveness for carrying all of that malice for years, feeling that I’d suffered some heinous wrong because I grew up in a place with people who didn’t look like me. But when you think about it, that isn’t possible. I grew up surrounded by people who looked like me. Two arms, two legs, one head. What does it matter that they were white and I was black? I met some wonderful people who were white and some not so nice people who were black and vice versa. Mrs. Stevens, Mr. Mead, Mr. Zinn, Mr. Recknor, Ms. Mills, Mrs. Gehrke all of these good folks were teachers who helped me and encouraged me to do my best and they’ve stayed with me all these years and more than made up for the not so great teachers I’ve encountered.

And to my loves AT, MT, AA, AA, EA, CA, till death ladies, till death.

Last weekend was an important step for me. I can honestly say, I could move back to Iowa. There sales tax of 5% is almost reason enough on it’s own. Iowa is a part of me, and more importantly, I’m a part of Iowa.

Peace

Something quite amazing happened to me this summer. But first I have to rewind to the spring. I was talking on the phone with my beloved cousin/sister by another mother when the Lord put it on my heart that I needed to invite her to come stay with me for the entire summer. My first reaction was, Lord, are you crazy. We’ll kill each other! Mind you I’m having this conversation with the Lord while continuing to talk to my cuz on the phone. But the Lord kept pressing me and pressing me and let me tell you, I’ve been whooped but the man upstairs a little too much over that past few years to turn a deaf ear to him. So, I invited her. Let me tell ya, I really didn’t expect her to say yes, but she did. When I got off the phone I went into a panic. Serenity, I love you but I knew we both had some serious differences and I was petrified. But the Lord gave be calm over the situation and told me to just trust in Him because he knew what he was doing.

So, I started to figure out ways to fix up my two bed two bath apartment to make it a home away from home for my cuz. Set her up with a tv, found some curtains for the guest bedroom window, put in some shelfs and a couple friend of mine donated their double mattress futon to the cause…it wasn’t the Ritz but it wasn’t too bad either.

Yall, I’m so glad that I was obedient to the will of God on this one. We had our moments but not once did we fight, fight. I learned a great deal about this wonderful woman I’m proud to call my sister and friend and I’m sure she learned a great deal about me. (Cell phone cocked with a gansta lean…an’ what?!) I had a chance to watch her grow into a more confident woman and I’ve noticed a few changes in myself as well.

Nagging T&T has retired. I’m learning how to be a friend instead of a psuedo mama and I’m so thankful for that. I’m learning how to sit still and enjoy simple things instead of constantly spinning around for no good reason. I’m learning that sometimes you have to let some things go for the good of both you and the other people in the equation. Point: I was on my church anniversary planning committee. I was recruited, then dumped with the responsibility for the entire program and eventually had to give it back. And I couldn’t have made a better decision. It was so helpful having Serenity around to be that extra observant voice of caution when I tended to reach back for my old ways. I’ve got a few other things I need to shed and I’m working on them. It’s amazing how we hold on to things that are comfortable and familiar to use even when we know they are bad for us and stunt our growth in every way.

I have new energy for living and I’m better able to trust now than before Serenity came into my summer. You were a blessing to me thru and thru and I love ya.

Now, hurry up and graduate so we can go to Jamaica!

Ran over to Altus today and MAN did I go shopping. Wine to my left, wine to my right, Blush and White wine, fight fight hiccup! The smile on my face right now is quite something. YAY!

“I am not a prophet, but sometimes I have prophetic dreams…” - Huey Freeman

This is actually one of my favorite quotes from the animated series The Boondocks Season 1. I had a dream last night that unsettled me a bit. I was in S visiting the fam and the first part of the dream I remember was of my Uncle L tapping my Auntie D in the chest with a 2x4 and all she was saying was “You really don’t get it, do you” and he had a big dumb grin on his face. Next, the focus changed and I’m in the den at G-ma’s house watching Boondock’s, I don’t know what episode, and I’m making something with my hands. My Uncle B is the only other person I register in the room but I know there are others there because the room feels full. This isn’t uncommon in my G-ma’s house. The tv in the den is turned off and no one is really watching my personal sized tv and other than the sounds of my program all is quiet. Suddenly, my G-ma yells from behind a nearby curtain at me to turn up whatever it is that I’m watching and enteratin everyone in the room. I start to feel a little paniced and respond that I don’t think everyone would enjoy The Boondocks and that I was just using it for a pattern for whatever I was making.

Uncle B then gets up, finds a Tyler Perry play and puts it into the den tv. I’m decretely rolling my eyes because while I love Tyler Perry, sometimes I’m in the mood for something other than TP. So this play starts up in the middle and SPR is getting her praise on in character and I say outloud that I have never seen the beginning of this one but my Uncle doesn’t take the hint and lets the DVD roll as is. SPR starts shouting at the end of the song and hobbling all over the stage slowed down by a crutch and a broken foot. Then out of her mouth pops a peppermint and she somehow reaches down face first and scoops the peppermint up with her mouth off the carpet and continues to shout.

My Uncle B is just sitting there and I get the distinct impression that he feels really really alone as the play brings out the moral of “taking care of home”. Something tells me at that moment that he and Auntie M are through or on shaky ground and I hear a voice tell me and put a strong feeling of me that you gotta take care of home as I’m starting at my Uncle who is starting at the tv. And then I woke up.

I just got back from Mississippi which was a combination vacation slash 2nd interview for me. I got some much needed rest, chilled out and managed to still handle my business…it’s funny I want to write about my vacations but my moods are swinging so fast I’m not sure how this is gonna come out…

I ended up leaving town late cause of my boss. Annoyance doesn’t begin to describe it but I made it out, went home, got my things and tore like a bat out of hell down the interstate. I ended up getting in much earlier than I’d originally planned but God, I was tired after the first hour. All I wanted to do was sleep the next day and I did my fair share of that. I cooked up a storm whilst in the great state of Mississippi and it felt good. Funny how commonplace things can take on extraordinary significance when you’re in the right company.

In a little over a week’s time I attended my first ever poker tourney (fascinating stuff let me tell ya), learned how to play Texas Hold ‘Em (hold on to your money folks, I’m a natural), finally experienced Tunica for myself, made a late night run to Memphis just to see Ocean’s 13 one mo gin, drove the Mississippi countryside with no plan or desination in mind, attended two wine-cheese book readings and snuggled during a thunderstorm…ridiculously big smile on my face right now.

My rebel interview went very well. I’m hoping to hear back from them very very soon…this week in fact. Ideally, I’d like to start with them bright and early Sept 10th. That way I could move in to my apartment and have a week to get settled, but if they wanted me in August I’d surely go then too I’d just have to work out a temp place to live or something, but there’s no need to even fret about that. Cause if I’m meant to be there, God will work all of that out. I know where I’d like to live but I need to pray over where God wants me to be. Okay, that’s enough for now. Gotta head home.

At some point I’m gonna write a poem about how I’m feeling right now…but now is not the time. Right now I need all of my words because a part of me has just died. I’ve been struggling with a difficult decision that is gonna affect my professional career. Do I stay, do I go, do I stay and go back to school, etc. I’ve had a dream for some time of returning to my alma mater to serve and work for a cause that I care deeply for…and that dream died a slow and painful death today with one phone call.

Quite simply, the worst phone interview I’ve ever experienced. And it didn’t have to be that way. But it’s my own fault. I prayed to God to make it clear to me whether or not I was meant for that job. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt now…I’m not. It’s not my calling. I’m meant for bigger things and no this isn’t about ego. It’s about what God has exposed me to and the purpose He has for my life; not the purpose I elect.

I feel like there’s a member of my family who I love to pieces who is going through a difficult time in their life and there’s nothing I can do to help except love them. It’s frustrating. But I can’t stall my mission to take a sidestep to do something that isn’t my battle to fight.

It’s hard to watch a dream die. Even if they offered me the job I’d have to turn them down. Please God, let the other job prospect be more encouraging than this one. I have one more interview to go. I want this one to work. I really do. So many pieces of my life would fit neatly together if it does. But i’m not gonna worry about it. Because I’ve prayed over all of it and I don’t have any control in this matter anyway. So, worry is pointless. My heart is open and vulnerable to the possibility of change…a chance at happiness seen only in my dreams.

Okay so I temporarily took leave of my senses and decided that I needed to move someplace. I blame the damn hormones my doc put me on. I’ve been through the whole process of it all. Sending out resumes, phone interviews, nights of wailing and moaning over my job situation. Then it dawned on me. I’m actually pretty happy with where I am. I just got a raise and I’m almost making what I want to make at this stage of my career. I’m positioned really well to make a run at going back to grad school to finish my PhD right where I am. I’m near my family. And in the next year I’m going to be able to take great strides at paying off my furniture.

See, I have this thing about being in debt. I don’t like it, though I understand it to be an American Necessary Evil. All I really want is to pay off this furniture and have only 1 to 2 years of payments left on my car. Then I’ll feel good about getting a loan to go back to school. In the meantime I can take a course each semester to start taking care of some of my requirements. Let me see…about 45 semester hours to complete my PhD. I could knock out about 18 hours easy before I got into to program full time…something to think about at least. Okay, I now feel better. It’s a shame I went this long without a post.

Queens don’t have to explain but this one is about to. It’s time to break out the old personal inventory (thanks Serenity).

It dawned on me through a series of sermons and some incredible talks with my mom that I’m doing much better than fine right now. I’ve been spending so much time griping about my job and how it’s not what I want to be doing that I’m falling back into my same pattern. Whether you call it wanderlust or the trials of the 20-somethings, I have a commitment problem. Whew, that hard for me to admit that but it’s true. I think it goes back to not wanting to hurt so bad when I had to relocate from place to place throughout my life. I hold a part of myself back thinking that not “if” I leave but “when” I leave it won’t hurt so bad. Then the first time I came the closest to giving my all to something (my marriage) I had to leave to save myself from utter insanity. I have a committment problem. What’s heartening is that I know what to do about this. I need to pray. I need to seek God. I need to pursue relationship with God as though each day was my last day to live. Let’s assess.

God blessed me with a job with really good benefits, plenty of vacation and sick leave. What did I do? I complained that it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

God blessed me with a new apartment. What have I done? Habitually not kept it neat and tidy.

God blessed me with a brand new car. What have I done? Junked up the car to the point that I’m ashamed to let people ride in it.

God blessed me with improved health. What do I do? Complain that I have to pay a co-pay for my doctors visits.

God blessed me to live closer to my parents so that I can see them. What do I do? Complain about how far out they live and having to drive 20 minutes each way to see them.

God blessed me with enough money to take care of all my bills and still have $700 to handle groceries, gas and entertainment with some for savings each month. What did I do? Ran out and got another part time job to make more money. I believe the Lord is teaching me something special with this one.

God blessed me with a voice and a love of singing. What did I do? Refused to go to choir rehersals when my schedule permitted and now it seems my part time job like to schedule me on Tuesdays and Thursdays which prevents me from being able to attend choir practice.

God blessed me with wonderful, god-fearing friends right where I am. What do I do? Neglect them by trying to rip and run all over the country to see my other friends.

God delivered me from a marriage that was not what he purposed for my life. What am I doing? Thinking about going back to what’s comfortable and familiar…

This list is starting to hurt a bit.

I am an incredible, blessed child of God. My heart’s desire is to please God. But something the pastor said in Sunday school really hit me all upside my head. I don’t respect God. He tells each of us what He expects of us and what he wants us to do. Let me make this personal. I’m being willfully disobedient to the Lord, MY God. I know that God has a mighty work for me to do with my life. I KNOW that God knows of my desire for MY husband, a family of my own, friends, fulfilling work, activities, etc. My faith has been smaller than that of a mustard seed. I need to put my faith and trust in God. Not my ex-husband, not my parents, not my pastor, not my friends, but God.

I made a commitment to myself and God this week to actively get back into my word. Each day begins with bible study, each day ends with bible study. I enjoy the atmosphere of Target but I feel in my heart that this too must pass. My spirit is telling in a still and quiet voice, be content with what you have. Take care of what you have. So that you will be prepared to take care of more when the Lord sees fit to bless you. I’ll give Target two more weeks and during that time I will continue to pray and seek God’s guidance on this. If the Lord speaks to my spirit in that time and tells me to give up that job, I will do so with no hard feelings. In May I will give my two weeks notice and by June 9th I’ll be back in choir practice on the regular.

I’ve been applying for jobs like mad in different places and during that process I’ve come to learn that my job is a good launching pad into my area. I have things I can still learn here that will help me down the road. I can take classes, carefully that will help me prepare for a terminal degree program, whether here or somewhere else.

I’m young, I’m healthy, I’m beautiful, I’m worthy, I’m couragous, I’m bold and most importantly, I’m loved. By God, my family and my friends.

It’s time for me to get rooted.